Sunday, October 23, 2011

God who knows what I need~

Sunday~ What a mess I made today, emptied the linen closet in the dining room, a seemingly little closet but quite deceiving~the dining room became loaded, cluttered, a mess! And, I left it and took a nap. Fits well with how I am feeling these days. Turned upside down by family matters, to be more clear sibling matters. I feel hurt, left out and let down. Long ago, as a newlywed I cared for each of my siblings in different ways. Three of them spent a great deal of time with my new husband and me~ spending long hours talking about their growth and trials, at home and away. We welcomed each of them and opened our home day and night to them. The fourth we cared for at Mom & Dad's, as they needed a break and couldn't leave home without care for him. We welcomed that too. Over the years I have remained close, as family means everything to me, and over the years they have stepped further and further from me~ Wonder why, and can guess that because we are different, a very good thing, but more so because I no longer drink, I have been so clearly excluded, lied to, left out, apart. So much time has passed and so much change has taken place, I've grown strong, resilient and tolerant, but at times, it comes to the front, and hurts, it hurts me a lot. Today, I made a big mess, tossing things here and there, and walked away. I needed to float~ Tomorrow will be soon enough for work, I'll pick it up, make sense of it, and close the door. That will be soon enough~ Merci God for loving me enough to make things clear, not about others but about me, and what is good and real, and right~ for me and those I love~ Sometimes, like today, the alignment of my behaviors and feelings are so obviously clear, there is no question~ Merci

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