God who knows me~

Gratitude to the Monday night girls. Could I be any luckier than I am~ Merci God for always letting me know. I will write more as I process this evening~and celebration of my 16th Sobriety birthday~

xo

God who knows what I need~

What a wonderful Saturday! Home, groceries, Famous Dave's, X Games from Aspen, and World Figure Skating Final..all in the porch with my sweetie, well mostly all :) Merci God~ Merci

God of my understanding~

Oh Gosh, Its been many days since I have written. I've been working, in Denver, and now home~ thankfully all is calm tonight. We lost a wonderful friend this morning, Bill Mason. It breaks my heart yet know that he is now without pain, confusion, and is suredly with the love of his life, his wife Betty. His precious daughters whom have been friends of mine for nearly 45 years are devastated. There will be many talks and memories shared in days to come.

Merci God for taking Bill's hand and delivering him safely to your kingdom, and for walking beside me these past days~ xo

God & I~

Okay, maybe I should start to worry, but I'm not going to~ I took my sweetie to the airport at 4:30am, returned home, had some tea, popped back in bed until 9:00 and was of for PT...and came home as quickly as I could. Read, made some flowers, monkeyed around here, skyped, and thoroughly enjoyed my time at home, again :) When I came home from work last Friday, I didn't leave home until Monday morning, because I had to work! It just feels nice to be here, and to be with me :) Okay, I confess, I work tomorrow so I will be leaving home at 7:00am...reluctantly.

Merci God for the blessings you send my way and that I listen to~ love~xo

God who carries me~

I received my 16 year medallion today from my wonderful friend Linda. What an honor and what a miracle. All due to your handiwork God~ Merci. Dad was going to come to my meeting (our 1st official meeting at St. Ed's) but he became sick overnight with a bad cold and cough. He will come later and say a word or two~ I could not have asked for more from the journey of recovery that has been my road. My meeting last night was good too~ both 1st Step! I pray for one more day~ Love to those who have taken this trip with me. Especially to God and my sweetie, I know I've given both of you a run for your money :)

God who carries me~

I was looking for something that said "worked to the bone"..and ran across this, which I like much better. There are certainly many things that I must look beyond and I'm still practicing that. A long, intense day today at work. Really, they all seem to be like that..but walking out the door gives me a great sense of satisfaction that perhaps I did some good in someone's life. I got a smile from someone whom I'm sure hasn't smiled a real smile, perhaps ever. He deserves it! Kim and I love seeing the changes~ It is wonderful. To say I work hard and feel exhausted doing the work I do is one thing, as those I work with work equally and even harder than I. I can see the wear and tear we each wear on certain days. It just goes with what we do, making it critically important that we care for ourselves, and each other. Off I went after an 11 hours day..to my Monday meeting..a bit late, but I showed up. What a lucky girl I am, and home to my very warm, comfy home and the love of my life. Merci God for giving me the energy to complete what I started today, and to meet the needs of those who asked for help.

God who knows what I need~

Yup~ I love you! Merci God for giving me the gift of love~

God who loves me~

Whew, what a busy week..physically and emotionally! I'm glad it's the weekend, there is something about the weekend when my sweetie and I are home~ with not much to do, and there is still NO snow to shovel!! Yippee~ Merci God for loving me and dragging me along with you even when I think I can do it alone~ Merci

GREEN MASK!

One funny thing about my sweetie is this!! He had long been sleeping, I threw on a green mask, just like the one above and was reading in bed when he rolled over, looked right at me, rolled over and went back to sleep...just like any other day~ Merci God for giving me a sense of humor...or is it you that has one? Merci~

God who loves me~

I am grateful beyond words today...and in awe of what God can do for me that I could not do for myself. Sixteen years of sobriety today. I wish for others what I have been given, and only hope that I can continue to grow along spiritual lines. I love my life and the gifts that sobriety has given me~ I am the luckiest girl in the world. My sweetie and I went to one of our favorite dining spots, Twin City Diner to celebrate. I am grateful to Scottie as he has taken every step of this new life with me. To him I am profoundly thankful! Merci God for the many roles you play in my life~ I am truly humbled. Merci~

God, what is going on?

Honestly, I do feel just like this little guy up! A crab, a bit crabby, and the shell is looking good too! I feel completely content with me, and completely discontent with many others, and not just others, things, like nuisance things; computer games (duh), no one at Home Depot to sell an appliance, no one!!, commitments that are not completed, talking about others, etc. And I think that's it. Not ever since the past 3 months have I ever expressed such dislike for a few others, and talked on and on, not accomplishing much~ So, it's me~ I will tuck myself in my shell for a while, peek out as I can, positively, and renew this worn out mind and body~ Merci God for walking right beside me, and for my very sweet husband, and family~ me

God who loves me~

What a beautiful day this has been. Nearly 50 degrees in Minnesota! And sunshine too! Merci God for your many gifts. After last winter, I call this very lucky indeed. xo

God who knows what I need~

This struck me as kind of nice~ I am never alone and KNOW that God is with me until the end of time. How lucky is that. While I am not particularly religious, even though I love churches, inside and out~ I love going to church, all kinds of services, and do like the roles of ministers, priest, monks, and others play. I am incredibly spiritual. That is much harder to explain..I know what it means, a richness in my relationship with God, a sense of being so filled up I could burst, a love and knowing, that I am never alone. Merci God for your love and your presence in my life. I know that I am chosen, but I also know that anyone who seeks God can be chosen too~

My creative juices started flowing today~ Standy-by :)

God who cares for all of us~

Merci God for a late night getting ready for the new year ahead...and a late morning with the paper and tea. Susie & D came for Christmas dinner and we had a nice time, salmon by Scottie, and an exchange of another very special ornament! The movie pick was the boys and it was horribly a waste of time~ I think the title with help you understand why :)

A very nice day indeed. Merci God!

God who know what I need~

Merci God for today. Hooray, it is Friday...time to relax and enjoy!!

Last Christmas party here tomorrow night :)

God who loves each of us~

Imagine how many souls there are on this earth. For one second, try to imagine the lives of each of them~ how many different types of people, where they live, what their shelter might be, what they eat each day, and what they do all day. Are they loved, safe, happy, or sad, hungry? Imagine~ It allows me to see that while we are here together, we must travel our own road, together and yet quite alone. No one can get inside me, and I can imagine, but I cannot get inside another either. What an incredible world we have, with incredible experiences, so much alike and yet so very different~

Merci God for my life~ it is so special, xo

God who knows me~

A huge step for me. ME. And being true to myself~ I don't know for sure if how I'm feeling will last, but it goes something like this. I have felt an intense sense of self, other than the usual sense of me. Suddenly I am aware that I do not like everyone equally. Not in a very long time, have I felt a strong dislike for anyone, it was always that I just naturally liked all people, to greater and lesser degree's, but just a wonderful sense of like. Within the last several months, I have felt a very different feeling. It's about the usual things that I have just accepted, no problem, no real feelings involved, just life, and moved on. Now however, I feel completely filled up by others, worn out and a kind of "done" feeling, just done. I know for sure that some people would say to me, "it's about time." I blessedly have an open heart, lack a sense of judgement about others most of the time, give, give, and give more. I rather loved who I was. My soul must have known what my head didn't, as all of a sudden, and it was quick, I felt different. No longer did I feel like saying yes, extending, fixing, supporting, carrying, and on and on...I couldn't do it, and I really did not want to. All my adult life that was the role I so easily took on, and it was over. I didn't fall apart, I didn't decide to make a change~ It just happened all by itself. I've pondered why, I've tried to think it through, I've tried to reason it, and I can't. There are no feelings of ill will or angst. But there is a huge sense of relief. I know that I've experienced the loss of my Mom and two wonderful mentors, Mary and Lil~ Nothing on this earthly plain can replace them. My focus went from Mom to Dad..lovingly, supportively, willingly, but there was no replacement for the women I looked up too. I've long experienced the loss of my son, 2-1/2 years from my sight, 10 years from the child I knew~ I (his Dad too) have seen him now, and that makes me very happy, although brings up many emotions. And I have met his child, Gavin, 16 months, for the first time..and that is oh so wonderful. I am willing to wait for the rest to come, God willing~ God willing. I experienced a cruel beating from a co-worker that started when I started my new job, 2 years ago. Not literally a beating, but it felt each day as though it were. She is done with now~ but has moved on to others and that hurts nearly as much. I have lost my home group of 15+ years. It was 2 years in coming, and because it became so unhealthy, I had to leave~ I didn't leave alone and four of us have been meeting at my home for the past couple months. Next week we start in our new home, St. Ed's! What a blessing~ So while I have changed, I welcome it. Is this how I will be forever? I wonder. Is my soul just resting, refreshing itself, to return to giving 100% all the time? I think not. I remember a woman saying to me that she was amazed by what I do, how I manage in the world like I do, how I give so freely~ and she asked if I couldn't just say "sorry, my dance card is full"? I remember feeling stunned, really! I wondered how could I, or anyone for that matter, say something like that to another human being. I must sound like a saint, but that's not it at all. I am not a special~ I am just me. I may just smile, acknowledge, open a door, help a neighbor, friend, family (always), or chat a minute. I don't do much~ However, now, I do feel differently. I am keeping more things to myself, my family, my time, and that is just happening all by itself too~ I am enjoying this interlude, for however long it lasts, or doesn't :) I'm pretty content either way. I have my work which I cherish~ maybe that is to be my focus outside myself and my home? I can't wait to see what the future holds. God often does for me what I cannot do for myself. Merci God~

God who loves my baby Sister~

Booley left us 21 years ago today at age 31~ It just breaks my heart to remember what she went through with her breast cancer. It was not fair to her. She fought so hard to live~ and if it were possible she would have. Throughout chemo, surgeries (30), and radiation, Booley cared for her children and husband just like any other day. Such a strong girl~ I can't imagine why~ they say there is a reason for everything, and I haven't found this one~ I wonder if I will. I loved you so much Boo and hold you so dear to my heart. You were special in every single way... I will never stop missing you. i love you, Cynth

God who takes care of those I love~

After all that concern~ the Duncan's are home safe and sound in Denver. I had the wrong number for the "ranch" house. I'm glad I restrained myself before calling the Kremmling police to check on them. My little grand is still sick and his mommy and daddy sound a tad bit worn out~ Time to rest their weary bones!

A great day today..slept in, tea, monkeyed around, and off to see "War Horse". Sweet story, a bit long, a bit to much war, but touching~

The holiday's are officially coming to a close. What a nice time we had from Christmas Eve Day all the way through. Many warm memories, promises, and much love~

Merci God for guiding me as you do, loving me, and accepting me as I am~ xo

God who loves each of us~

Whew~ My sweetie actually stayed up way past midnight...sort of way past :) We rang in the New Year by sitting in the porch watching beautiful snow falling, our second snowfall of this winter season, it looked like huge puffs of cotton, and watching New York celebrate, then us. It was warm and cozy. We figured out that this was our 40th!!!!!!! New Year celebration together. That amazes even me as I don't feel nearly as old as it makes me :)

Dad came for brunch today at 10:30 sharp. He is amazing, as well, we had snow and wind warnings, yet he traveled across town, and thank goodness arrived safely. Eggs, sausage, juice, and Monkey Bread~of which Dad loved the Monkey Bread and gobbled up a huge piece and took two even larger pieces home with him.

I am a lucky girl..feel loved and relaxed. I have been trying to reach the Duncan's since last night and still cannot connect. I know that cell service is intermittent, that the internet had gone out, but I called the "ranch" land line throughout the day and got nothing. I have sent emails, texts, and left voice messages on Katie and Ryan's cell phones. With Hayden being sick, and no call on New Year's Day..I am near panic. I seldom react this way to anything..please God, take care of them. I need to hear from them tomorrow and know they will head home. I pray all is well..please!

Merci God for loving us and for being so present in my life. Merci for the New Year, for love, and for my life~