Wednesday, January 4, 2012

God who knows me~

A huge step for me. ME. And being true to myself~ I don't know for sure if how I'm feeling will last, but it goes something like this. I have felt an intense sense of self, other than the usual sense of me. Suddenly I am aware that I do not like everyone equally. Not in a very long time, have I felt a strong dislike for anyone, it was always that I just naturally liked all people, to greater and lesser degree's, but just a wonderful sense of like. Within the last several months, I have felt a very different feeling. It's about the usual things that I have just accepted, no problem, no real feelings involved, just life, and moved on. Now however, I feel completely filled up by others, worn out and a kind of "done" feeling, just done. I know for sure that some people would say to me, "it's about time." I blessedly have an open heart, lack a sense of judgement about others most of the time, give, give, and give more. I rather loved who I was. My soul must have known what my head didn't, as all of a sudden, and it was quick, I felt different. No longer did I feel like saying yes, extending, fixing, supporting, carrying, and on and on...I couldn't do it, and I really did not want to. All my adult life that was the role I so easily took on, and it was over. I didn't fall apart, I didn't decide to make a change~ It just happened all by itself. I've pondered why, I've tried to think it through, I've tried to reason it, and I can't. There are no feelings of ill will or angst. But there is a huge sense of relief. I know that I've experienced the loss of my Mom and two wonderful mentors, Mary and Lil~ Nothing on this earthly plain can replace them. My focus went from Mom to Dad..lovingly, supportively, willingly, but there was no replacement for the women I looked up too. I've long experienced the loss of my son, 2-1/2 years from my sight, 10 years from the child I knew~ I (his Dad too) have seen him now, and that makes me very happy, although brings up many emotions. And I have met his child, Gavin, 16 months, for the first time..and that is oh so wonderful. I am willing to wait for the rest to come, God willing~ God willing. I experienced a cruel beating from a co-worker that started when I started my new job, 2 years ago. Not literally a beating, but it felt each day as though it were. She is done with now~ but has moved on to others and that hurts nearly as much. I have lost my home group of 15+ years. It was 2 years in coming, and because it became so unhealthy, I had to leave~ I didn't leave alone and four of us have been meeting at my home for the past couple months. Next week we start in our new home, St. Ed's! What a blessing~ So while I have changed, I welcome it. Is this how I will be forever? I wonder. Is my soul just resting, refreshing itself, to return to giving 100% all the time? I think not. I remember a woman saying to me that she was amazed by what I do, how I manage in the world like I do, how I give so freely~ and she asked if I couldn't just say "sorry, my dance card is full"? I remember feeling stunned, really! I wondered how could I, or anyone for that matter, say something like that to another human being. I must sound like a saint, but that's not it at all. I am not a special~ I am just me. I may just smile, acknowledge, open a door, help a neighbor, friend, family (always), or chat a minute. I don't do much~ However, now, I do feel differently. I am keeping more things to myself, my family, my time, and that is just happening all by itself too~ I am enjoying this interlude, for however long it lasts, or doesn't :) I'm pretty content either way. I have my work which I cherish~ maybe that is to be my focus outside myself and my home? I can't wait to see what the future holds. God often does for me what I cannot do for myself. Merci God~

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