Grateful moments~

I have such gratitufe for the women in my life~
thank you girls, xo

A Million Days of Gratitude and thoughts on Dad~

I am quite sure by now that God is playing with me~  For quite some time I have gotten days, and dates, and times all mixed up.  This evening, I suddenly knew that today was a very special day and that there needed to be a time for me to be alone to recall and remember.  My precious Daddy died 6 months ago today~ the tears came, the disbelief that it seems like yesterday he strolled into my house for a chat, dinner, to drop off some flowers, or to hide something in the grill :), to hear him to tell me how much he loved me, to leave me with wet kisses.  It feels like I should able to close my eyes and when I open them, hear Dad and Scottie talking in the porch while I get Dad some ice tea.  If only.... if only for one moment I could reach out and touch him, see him, smile at him, chat.  I am grateful today to have had the Dad I had.  There is no one like him, there never could be.  I love you Daddy, thank you~ Pooh

And while God is busy protecting me until I'm ready, a bit later it came to me that my Mom and Dad died within 4-1/2 years of each other, and that in my grief I feel such joy that they are together, for they were never meant to be apart, happy, healthy, and no doubt watching the hummers flit and fly around the heavens, just as I am doing here :)  I am grateful that God meets me where I'm at and protects me until he knows I'm ready~ thank you!

Days of Gratitude~

I love Sundays at home~  There's something about them that feels slow, and quiet, and safe.  I belong to myself for a few short hours and cherish reading, resting, and talking with my sweetie.  I am grateful for today and the peace I feel~

Days of Gratitute~

I have a funny little story about a co-worker that had treated me quite poorly since I began working with her nearly 4 years ago~  She referred to me as "that new counselor" and "her" and "she"...I often reminded her what my name was but that didn't really help.  I treated her as I treat others even though I often felt hurt and sad.  Our work is tough enough and I didn't understand her but then sometimes I'm just not suppose to understand....  She began to date a man several months ago (her husband had died nearly two years ago) and things didn't go well.  I offered up some words of comfort occasionally and in time she began talking to me about her difficulties...   This morning I mentioned that I was struggling with the loss of my parents, and at the same time, my siblings, for we had not weathered our parents end of life happenings and I am estranged from them that at this time~  She said, "ok", folded her hands, closed her eyes, and said this~
"May God's goodness and light surround you.
  May God's goodness and light fill you.
  May God's goodness and light protect you.
  May God's goodness and light heal you, Cynthia."
She went on to speack about me, my parents, and my brothers and sister as we sat with our eyes closed,   right there in the nurses office (she is a nurse) where we had just finished morning report.  I suppose other staff wandered about us, I do not know.  I just soaked in this unexpected love.  I am grateful for unexpected love today~

I Miss You Mom ~ 5 Years Ago Today

OH Gosh~ Hi Momma.  You've been gone 5 years today.  It feels like a million days, and more.  Kates sent me a sweet text and called.  She misses you~ probabaly as much as I do.  What a beautiful legacy you left my baby girl.  She is so much like you.  Pretty little packages, tender little notes, a posey here, and a sweet pillow there... Not a day passes without seeing or touching something that reminds me of you~  My heart aches mightily some days just trying to beliee I won't see you again, ever, at least here.  Wood said, Ohhhhhhhhh Mere.  He misses you too, mightily.  You were his Mom~  I wish you had told me how hard this would be...  you told me almost everything else, but not this...  I keep waiting to get use to it, keep waiting for my perspective to change, to exalt fully in the life you had, the life we shared, and accept fully your presence in my heart and memories.  Some days I feel it, some days I think I'll get it, that the change will happen~but most days I just don't, maybe I can't, or won't.  Maybe, just maybe, I'm not suppose to.  Maybe it's suppose to be this way, just the way it is.  I think that's it.  I am to accept just where I am today, not questioning, not trying to push or expect, just to be, exactly where I am.  I love you Momma, I miss you more~  Thank you for helping me understand~thank you for listening.

Your Eldest Daughter :)
Pooh

A Million Days of Gratitude~

For so long I had done a daily gratitude note~ so where did it go...life interrupted I guess.  Not that I don't feel and express gratitude with nearly every breath I take, because I do, but I am coming to understand something greater, a loss of the me I knew, the me with a Mom, and the me with a Dad.  My parents~ my Mom and Dad.  I keep saying that I feel the layer above me is gone~ the love, support and the daily care, and so much more, the knowing.  That layer or blanket is gone...forever from my sight and my touch, but forever locked within my heart~  As I move through this time of my life I know I will find how I fit in to all of this...won't I?  I feel uncertain some days....

I am deeply grateful for the gift of love.  The love I always felt and never questioned from my parents.  The love they freely gave to each other, and to me.

Thoughts and Whatnots~

The girl walking through the airport in a princess dress has it right on.

With every step through the terminal, people smiled. On each flight, someone stopped to comment. With each moment, the young princess simply smiled and kept walking. As a silent observer (and bodyguard), I loved watching the reactions of the people as she walked by. Every one reacted in some way. As the little princess made her way, completely comfortable in her own skin, decked out for the ball, I enjoyed every moment of it. Sure, that little princess was my daughter. But it dawned on me, she was right on.

Too many of us do not understand who we are. We carry around the baggage of a life full of sadness and brokenness. Because of all the experiences, hurts and pains, we stopped seeking to understand who we are and who we are not. Along life's way, we simply accepted an identity for ourselves. We decided to see ourselves based on the broken projections of other people who do not understand who they are. And the cycle of a fallen humanity continues.

Then there is Yahweh. God tells us exactly who we are. We begin to understand who we have pretended to be and how that is warped. We understand who God created us and forgave us in Christ to be. We may not believe it. It is true nevertheless. We become part of the new creation. The redeemed people of God. We see ourselves and everyone else differently. The Spirit has given us vision.

Do you see why the young girl in the princess dress walking through the airport has it right on? Sure, she is not Cinderella or Snow White. She is not living a fairy tale. But she is a daughter of the King of kings and the Lord of lords. It doesn't matter if there is no Prince Charming (and I am sure glad for his sake or that there is no castle. She is not self-conscious or afraid. She just is... herself ... walking through the airport... in a princess dress.  Be still and know that I am God. - Psalm 46:10

This reminded my little brother of his sweet daughter Jaimie, as she and her new husband move to CA to begin their new lives.  It reminds me of many of us~  xo