I thought I understood death and could let people go when it was their time to leave~ I have so much on my mind today and in reality it started several days ago... and a few before that. I feel heavy. So many untimely deaths this past week. So much sadness for families, loved ones, me.... I have found that I can be affected by death in many different ways~ I may have a very close connection to someone, a small connection, or perhaps really, none at all, and I can feel the loss deeply, mightily.
Dan and Lynette lost their daughter to methamphetamine addiciton. Her farewells were Thursday. She loved butterflies, helping people, laughing, and most of all her 3 young children. She tried hard to recover, and she did on and off. Trish was found in her car, alone.
Christy and I met once. She was a young 35. She was self-employed, owned her own house, and loved her dog and her family. We met, made a plan, and she wanted to do it alone. She overheard a conversation between her dad and brother and her dad was saying she was never going to change, was ruining the family, didn't care. She died 5 days after we met. The coroner requested records and that's how we knew~ I know she died alone.
Dan was given an eight hour leave by the judge to pack up his belongings from his sober house. He is under civil committment for the 3rd time and was waiting to go to treatment at a State operated facility. We spoke four times that day. He promised, we hugged, and he gave me a pinky swear. He came back to us crumbled on the floor in the front seat of the car, with person he left with...unresponsive. He was given Narcan, the EMT's gave it to him again, and the ambulance sat outside for over 45 minutes before it left. Dan's case manager called me the next day and told me he wouldn't be coming back to us. He did not die, he is intubated in the hospital..... Opiates have full control over his life. He is bright and funny, and appears happy on the outside. He is alive~
And so it is, and there are thousands more~ My heart and my soul grieve. It doesn't matter to me who you are, or where you came from our how you've tried or not tired, you just matter. We need you, the world needs you~ I plain and simply, love you.