Two years ago today my dear Mom left us. In some sense that feels like an unfair thing to say. It sounds like she wanted to leave us, or she meant to, or that she just up and left us. In truth, Mom never wanted to be far away from any of us. Mom wanted only to be near us, to look in our eyes, to touch us, talk to us, to share her thoughts, her feelings, to laugh with us, to play, to plan, to always plan for "what's next". What will we do tomorrow? Next week? When should we go to Ocean Reef, the mountains, the cabin, girl's weekend, shopping, shopping for shoes, anywhere was really okay with Mom.
There are no words to describe what the past two years have been like for me without my Mom. Indescribable really. As independent as I am, and as strong as I am, I must admit that I have not moved through this time with much ease or grace. When I let myself remember, to much at one time, I continue to experience an overwhelming sense of loss. I don't laugh as easily, or find as many small pleasures as I once did~ I miss my Mom and the role she played in my life. I want her back.
There are two things I know. Life goes on and time heals. It just doesn't give me back what I really want, and it never will. It has given me different relationships, new friendships, memories, and time, lots of time. My family has changed. Dad is an amazingly resilient man. He calls every single night before he turns his light out, and each and every time, my heart skips a beat and depending on the day I shed a tear. Dad is brave. He is living in a way I didn't think possible. Mom worried about him being alone, and he's not and he never will be, except that he's not with Mom, but he says he is, she is always there, right beside him, everywhere. She doesn't have to worry. Dad loved Mom, he was so connected to her and her care~ He demands nothing, and gives immeasurably, he is thoughtful and kind. That's why Mom loved him, and she would be proud.
My family is growing and changing, but we are not the same. Not worse, just not the same, a certain sadness, perhaps it takes more time. Perhaps it's just me. We miss Mere, Mom. We have love and laughter, memories and tears, and each other. We love each other very much, life goes on, the kid's are growing and changing, time heals. Mere brought to each of us such love, an immense knowing of love and care that can't be replicated. I feel as though I must replace what has been taken from us, the void left by Mom, it feels heavy at times. Laughter will return, laughter in full measure, I promise. We owe it to each other. I owe it to those I love, immeasurably, like Mom.
My siblings have been changed too, each has their own story to tell. Our relationships are different now. We work toward making our way, supporting the many changes in our lives. I miss the way we were and look forward to how we might be one day~ Dad has three "Great Grands" "on the way" and he is involved in each moment, nicknames abound. Could you imagine Mom's pleasure at that thought. She would be insanely happy..well maybe she is, maybe she knows, maybe she can see all this. I am hoping she does, I'm going to count on it from now on, that will help me a lot. It will change things for me. I will feel happier, feel less loss, and know that one day I will know my Mom again. We will touch again, and smile, and tell jokes, and share~
Well there you go..I've put some thoughts down on paper. It's been a long time coming. I've spent a lot of time just thinking. Thank you for listening, for accepting me just as I am, for loving me, my dear Scottie, our kid's, all of us. Thank you for your kindness, gentleness, and support. There are no words when it comes to me losing my Mom. Many of us do, even in different ways~ each of us is different, unique. I know how much it hurts.
With love and gratitude, Cynthia "The soul would have no rainbow, if the eyes had no tears." Minquass Indian Proverb Given to me by Scottie 7-27-10
Listen to "Perhaps Love" by John Denver, and sung by Placido Domingo, a special song indeed~ I invite each of you to share a special memory of Mom. Perhaps something funny, sweet, or just heartwarming, whatever you like. It will mean the world to us, just as each of you do. After some time has passed, this site will close. I will turn it into a book of memories and I'd love to share it with you~ Peace